14 Things That No One Told You About Pregnancy and Parenthood

14 Things That No One Told You About Pregnancy and Parenthood

1. Sweaty boobs, seriously. What the fuck. I'm really hoping this wasn't just me when pregnant because it was completely disgusting. Yes we all know that under fat rolls you'll get sweaty but WHY LORD WHY would you give pregnant ladies something else to feel disgusting about?
2. Peeing every time you sneeze. No it doesn't just happen when you're pregnant and I'm sorry but no amount of pelvic floor exercises is going to get rid of the loss of control I now have when I sneeze. Its a good job my babys cute.
3. So yeah everyone tells you you're going to have a constant audience, but no one told you that it wasn't just your baby constantly watching you. You name them and they're probably watching you. Judging you. Eyeing up that left over bit of cold pizza stuck in your teeth and the sick stain on your shoulder. Yup they've seen it.
4. So you know about the 'only getting your dinner cold' rule but did you know about the 'only getting to do anything around the house when your baby has her nappy filled with sick down her t shirt and laid watching something completely brain numbing and innapropriate' rule. Yup apparently my baby likes being dirty and watching every re run of Jeremy Kyle. Babys eh?
5. And of course people told you that your clothes would constantly be covered in sick and poop BUT did they tell you that you wouldn't realise this until you're out of the house or with someone you're trying to impress? Nope, bastards.
6. Did they also forget to tell you that babys are sick in your hair without you realising? Yeah I thought so.
7. The 'guess what's on your hand' game. Is it poop? Is it curry sauce? Who knows.
8. Or how about the 'get to your baby before it eats the poop/curry sauce that has also ended up on their fingers' game.
9. Another thing nobody told me was that babys aren't always cute. You know these adorable photos that we're constantly posting of our little darlings on facebook and instagram? REAL BLOOD, SWEAT AND TEARS WENT INTO THESE. Okay so maybe not the blood bit but there are definitely tears from your bored baby whilst you're holding a camera in their face and there is even more sweat from you whilst you try and get your camera at an angle that compliments your baby and also hides the huge pile of washing, dirty dishes and take away boxes that are lurking in the background.
10. 30 second showers. I'd say by the time your partner has been back at work a week you will have pretty much perfected these.
11. No one ever told you about what happens in these 30 second showers now either. In 30 seconds you genuinely think about what you're doing for dinner, what colour washing to put on next, what you need to go and get from the shop, the fact that you've run out of toilet paper again. You discover pieces of food stuck to your body, you also discover that standing on bath toys is bloody painful and that the bath toy will be silently cussed at for the rest of its little toy life. 
12. And then of course nobody told you about 'the imaginary crying baby' that haunts you everywhere you go without your child. Whether you've snuck of  for a shower without your baby watching, gone to hang the washing out, tiptoed out of the room whilst their napping. Where ever you are and they aren't you hear baby cries until of course you quietly try and dash over to your baby who is still sound asleep or perfectly content. Darn you imaginary baby.
13. People also never warn you about how much you want to avoid old women. If they're not stopping you in a shop or the street to coo over your gorgeous new bundle of squishy baby, then they are ignorantly asking you whether your baby who is dressed from head to toe in pink fluffy cuteness is infact a boy. Yes. My child who is covered in pink is a boy.
14. And the last thing that nobody ever tells you is that no matter how much they make you cry, cover you in poop or try and eat up their own vomit your baby is the best bloody thing to of ever happened to you and god help anyone who dares to point out that while you're currently reading this your child just puked on you, rolled off of their changing mat or pooed through yet another outfit that you spent a fortune on :-)